


the to-do list (after the break up)

by injeoImis



Series: stillness in woe [5]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Memories, Noren, Past Noren, Post-Break Up, Self-Doubt, implied markhyuckhei, implied nomin, renjun-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-14 23:46:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16051061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/injeoImis/pseuds/injeoImis
Summary: ten things to do after you’ve suffered a heart break.





	the to-do list (after the break up)

**Author's Note:**

> based on an excerpt from milk and honey by rupi kaur

**❏ 1. take refuge in your bed.**

  


the last time renjun breathed fresh air was a week ago.

 

a week ago, renjun saw his boyfriend for the last time, though at the time he didn’t know it.

 

four words. four words were all it took to shatter renjun’s frangible heart into millions of pieces. “ _i love someone else_ ,” echoed in his mind, in korean and chinese. they haunted and plagued his dreams, took his mind off of any task at hand. renjun hated it. he absolutely hated how lonely he felt without jeno by his side. they used to do everything together: homework, extracurriculars, studying.

 

now he felt empty laying in his bed without jeno spread on the other side, his arms wrapped around renjun’s smaller waist.

 

he felt empty thinking about who took jeno away from him.

 

na jaemin. so that was who jeno left renjun for. one of their best friends. renjun didn’t know why he was so surprised. jaemin had much better qualities and personality traits than renjun. jaemin didn’t care too much about what other people thought of him. jaemin didn’t stress over school to the point where he was too sick to attend classes for the next two days. jaemin didn’t need constant reassurance in his relationships from his significant others.

 

it made him upset, which was all he ever felt for the past week.

 

he missed jeno. like really fucking missed him.

 

jeno was the calm to renjun’s never ending storm. jeno would somehow know when renjun was overworking himself and go out of his way to go to his house. sometimes jeno would get confident and try to greet renjun’s mother in less than average mandarin.

 

jeno could always sense when something was bothering renjun. he’d hold him in his arms for a while and run his fingers through renjun’s hair, knowing that just those simple things made his life one thousand times better than it previously was.

 

renjun missed jeno’s kisses (maybe even more than his own grandmother’s, back in china). renjun missed the way jeno made him want more, even when they’d had enough. sometimes jeno would kiss the birthmark on his hand or the moles on his arm. renjun missed the way he could melt into jeno’s touch like butter in a pot over the fire.

 

he hated how much he missed it. how much he missed _him_.

  
  
  


**❏ 2. cry. the tears will stop (this will take a few days).**

  


renjun was an emotional person. donghyuck made fun of him because of it. jeno used to love him even though renjun knew it was hard (and annoying) to deal with.

 

once the tears started flowing, they would never stop. renjun could probably cry himself into a two-day sleep.

 

right now, as he cried into his pillow and tissues and with a headache only mere minutes away, he decided that he wouldn’t mind sleeping for two days straight. at least he could miss school where he would have to see jeno in the senior hallway, hand in hand with jaemin, as if jeno forgot renjun even existed.

 

the thing that hurt renjun the most was how easy jeno had gotten rid of him.

 

the younger boy never thought to check up on him. the younger boy never thought to give renjun a small wave or tiny smile when passing each other in-between classes.

 

renjun wondered, at times like these (which was most of the time, if not _all_ of the time), did jeno ever truly love him?

  
  
  
  


**❏ 3. delete their number from your phone even though it is memorised on your fingertips.**

  


 

> BLOCK [ **J♥︎** ] ’S CONTACT?
> 
>  
> 
> **> YES  <** >NO <
> 
>   
>    
> 
> 
> DELETE [ **J♥︎** ] FROM CONTACTS?
> 
> > YES < **> NO  <**

  
  
  


**❏ 4. don’t look at old photos.**

 

renjun knew it was a bad idea to log back into his instagram but he didn’t care.

 

it was time for him to reclaim his life.

 

he had to admit, he did scroll through his page, reminiscing on old [ posts ](https://twitter.com/aeroseouIs/status/1029135375980261376).

  


 

> ₍ **_memory one, “photographed by yours truly, —jeno”_ ** ⁾

 

_although it was the middle of september, the weather after school was still quite warm, meaning renjun didn’t have to bring a jacket to school. he followed jeno outside of the gates, hand in hand and with a comfortable silence._

 

_it wasn’t unusual for them to ditch their friends after school in favour of going out for dates. this just so happened to be one of their scheduled days that the two had decided on, now that they were finished with an entire week of studying and long nights filled with facetime calls and piles of homework._

 

_“wait,” jeno interrupted the silence, pulling out his phone. “before we enter the cafe, i need to take a picture of you.” renjun groaned. “jeno, my $4.49 strawberry acai refresher is not going to buy itself! the line is going to get long.”_

 

_the automated sound of a camera click came from jeno’s phone three times before renjun turned away. “you’re a party pooper, junnie. if you won’t take pictures like these, who will?” jeno asked rhetorically, showing renjun the photos when they sat down at their table. “no one, because i don’t want people to take pictures of me.” renjun frowned, sipping on his tea._

 

_“fine. i’ll only take pictures when you aren’t looking.” renjun rolled his eyes but, of course, he didn’t mind that jeno kept trying to sneak photos of him for the majority of their time in the cafe together._

  


 

> ₍ **_memory two, “nights out”_** ⁾

 

_wherever jeno was, you could find renjun right next to him._

 

_going out and having fun with their friends was something renjun treasured, especially if jeno was with them. renjun had met jeno through a mutual friend a few years back. at first, renjun was scared of jeno. the younger boy seemed to come off as cold and reserved until renjun took more time to hang out and get to know him._

 

_renjun always seemed to have a better time with people if jeno was there. sometimes the older just chalked it up to them being best friends until both came to terms with their true feelings for each other._

 

_“alright, i thought we gathered together to hang out not be third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh wheels to a jeno and renjun date!” donghyuck complained. “mark is literally right there,” renjun pointed out. the younger rolled his eyes. “my point still stands. you and jeno are being touchy feely. it’s just bowling for Christ’s sake!”_

 

_jeno rolled his eyes as well after jaemin covered jisung and chenle’s eyes. “hyuckie is right, there are children here, guys.”_

 

_after that, renjun kissed jeno just to spite the rest of them. jisung groaned. "gross,_ _hyung." everyone laughed._

 

_"once chenle tells you how he feels, then you'll understand, sungie."_

 

_"renjun!" chenle whined. the eldest laughed and shrugged. "it's my turn to bowl."_

 

 

> ₍ **_memory three, “one of those days.”_ ** ⁾

 

_renjun hated having ‘those days’. when there was nothing he wanted more than to go back to china and stay there forever._

 

_it was a useless thought. his parents had better jobs in seoul. they were happier and already accustomed to life there. they would never move back home unless for dire family reasons which were highly unlikely._

 

_“jeno?”_

 

_“oh, injun! i was about to call… do you think you can come out right now?”_

 

_a beat of silence passed._

 

_“well, i’m not really feeling that great.”_

 

_“what? should i come to you? nevermind don’t answer, i’ll be there in five minutes and if i take longer than that don’t even hesitate to break up with me becau—”_

 

_“i’m not going to break up with you because you’re late. and you don’t really have to come, i was just—”_

 

_“shh! it’s too late now, i’m already walking over and your mom said she left the front door unlocked for me. prepare yourself for cuddles and kisses. i love you.”_

 

_that was the first time jeno said the L word._

 

_“love you too.”_

  


**❏ 5. find the closest ice cream shop and treat yourself to mint chocolate chip. the mint will calm your heart. you deserve the chocolate.**

  


 

> **iMESSAGE (3)**
> 
> **LELE**
> 
> **(15:15)** hey it’s been a while
> 
> **(15:19)** we miss you
> 
>  
> 
> **MARK**
> 
> **(16:38)** come outside

 

at first, renjun was going to ignore the texts from chenle and mark. didn’t they understand he didn’t want to hang out anymore? he wanted to be secluded in his room after a long day of school and sleep for the rest of the week.

 

plus, there was more of a chance of running into jeno or jaemin or even both of them on the streets than when they were in school in the some of the same classes. he supposed mark didn’t understand because the older kept spamming his imessage with incessant texts, threatening to do harmless things if renjun didn’t open his door within the next two minutes.

 

“we’re going to get ice cream,” mark declared, not even saying hello when renjun answered the door. the older boy was lucky renjun wasn’t still in pyjamas as he dragged him down his front steps and towards his car.

 

“mark, c’mon—” “i won’t take no for an answer, renjun. you don’t even stay at the library after school anymore. we miss you, you know.”

 

renjun frowned. “you know why i don’t stay anymore, mark. i can’t stay anymore.”

 

the two friends sat in silence for the rest of the five minute car ride, neither too sure of what to say to the other. even on the way inside, they didn’t talk except for ordering what they wanted.

 

“we’re hanging out tomorrow at the studio,” mark started, swirling his spoon in his vanilla ice cream.

 

jeno liked vanilla too. boring flavour for a boring person, he always insisted.

 

renjun shrugged, stabbing his mint chocolate chip with the spoon. “maybe.”

 

mark just nodded. “whenever you feel comfortable. we’ll be waiting for you.”

  
  
  


**❏ 6. perfect the art of smiling and nodding when someone brings their name up in conversation.**

  


for the first time in a long time, renjun met up with some friends.

 

it was hard, he’d have to admit. as the time to leave his house approached, renjun had to push away the desire to cancel last minute and say something else had come up unexpectedly.

 

being with donghyuck, mark and yukhei felt weird. out of all of his friends, they were the most loud, contrasting his quiet tendencies. perhaps their outgoingness was the perfect distraction to the thoughts that were forever plaguing his mind at the moment.

 

the four of them went to the diner together, as it was the closest hang out place to them.

 

“did i tell you guys yet? so yesterday i went to the grocery story right? and—” yukhei began his story but after the first two sentences renjun tuned him out. he didn’t really mean to but it was just something he started doing recently.

 

“and then after that, jungwoo hyung and i decided that we should go to the park and you’ll never guess who we saw there?” “yukhei—” mark interrupted. “jeno and jaemin!”

 

renjun swore his heart stopped. there was a silence that lasted for at least five minutes (an over exaggeration).

 

“oh, shit, i’m sorry renjun, i forgot.” yukhei frowned. “it’s okay, xuxi,” renjun reassured the older teen with a small smile, “continue the story.” “he can tell another one, right, hei?” donghyuck commented, pinching yukhei’s arm.

 

renjun wasn’t oblivious to the look of worry and pity on mark’s face.

 

there was no word in the korean or chinese dictionary that could describe how much renjun hated it.

  
  
  


**❏ 7. start a new project.**

  


it wasn’t unlike renjun to take a break from painting every once in a while. sometimes you lose inspiration and need to find another spark to get you back on track.

 

with all this moping around and feeling sorry for himself, renjun supposed he could try to work on some old pieces that he had been neglecting for a while.even though renjun had no idea of what he wanted to paint, he let his hands and right brain take control for the next two hours.

  
  
  


❏ **8\. whatever you do. do not call.**

  


 

> CALL [ **LEE JENO** ] ?
> 
>  
> 
> > YES < **> NO  <**
> 
>   
> 
> 
> NEW TEXT TO [ **LEE JENO** ]
> 
> **renjun** : i miss you.
> 
> **renjun** : please tell me you miss me sometimes too.
> 
> **renjun** : did i do something wrong?
> 
> **renjun** : i still love you.
> 
> **renjun** : i’m sorry.
> 
>   
> 
> 
> SEND TEXTS?
> 
> > YES < **> NO  <**

  
  
  


**❏ 9. do not beg for what does not want to stay.**

  


 

> CALL [ **LEE JENO** ] ?
> 
>  
> 
> **> YES  <** > NO <
> 
>  
> 
> LEAVE VOICEMAIL?
> 
>  
> 
> **> YES  <** > NO <

 

CALL TRANSCRIPT FROM [ **RENJUN** ] TO [ **LEE JENO** ]:

 

 

> _“uh... hi. i blocked your number but i unblocked it because i finally have a lot of shit to say. you’re probably wondering why i’m calling at half ass o’clock in the morning- fuck. ouch, i cut my hand. whatever. … i’m cutting all the fucking flowers you sent me. i won the art contest by the way. without any of your constructive criticism. but i guess you would know that ‘cause you sent me these ugly flowers congratulating me on first place. well, guess fucking what, lee jeno? i don’t need your musty flowers! and i sure as hell don’t need you. by the way, i’m pretty fucking drunk right now, thanks to mark. he’s so great sometimes. better than you ever were. … i-i’m sorry. i didn’t mean it, really. i miss you jeno. i miss you so fucking much sometimes my heart hurts and i squeeze my eyes shut so hard and i try to imagine you next to me. why? what’s so great about jaemin that i don’t have, jeno? i’d really love to know.”_

  
  


 

> **iMESSAGE (3)**
> 
> **LEE JENO**
> 
> **(03:38)** renjun…
> 
> **(03:40)** please go to sleep
> 
> **(04:03)** i’m sorry.

  
  


 

> DELETE CONVERSATION WITH [ **LEE** **JENO** ]?  
> 
> 
> **> YES  <** > NO <
> 
>  
> 
> BLOCK [ **LEE JENO** ] ’S CONTACT?
> 
>  
> 
> **> YES  <** >NO <

  
  
  


**❏ 10. stop crying at some point and breathe.**

  


everyday renjun saw things that reminded him of jeno.

 

the guitar in the back corner of his bedroom, near his easel. the deflating basketball stuck under a bunch of other crap in his garage.

 

he sniffled, kicking at the basketball until it popped out from its hiding spot and rolled down the road.

 

renjun wiped his eyes harshly.

 

he was tired of anything and everything that had to do with _him_.

 

renjun had no more tears left to cry.

 

he was done.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/dunkyushot)  
>  [ko-fi](https://www.ko-fi.com/post/Commissions-S6S6STK1)
> 
> lmk what other ships u want me to write! <3


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